Revelling: Reckoning

A cold and porcelain lonely
In an old new york hotel
A stranger to a city
That she used to know so well
Bathing in a bathroom
That is bathed in the first blue light
Of the beginning of a century
At the end of an endless night

Then she is wet behind the ears and wafting down the avenue
Pre-rush hour
Post-rain shower
Stillness seeping upwards like steam
From another molten sewer
Summer in new york

They've been spraying us with chemicals in our sleep
Us / they
Something about the mosquitoes having some kind of disease
Them / me
Cia foul play
If you ask the guy selling hair dryers out of a gym bag
Chemical warfare
"i'm telling you, lab rat to lab rat," he says, "that's where the truth is at"
That's where the truth is at
That's where the truth is at

And everything seems to have gone terribly wrong that can
But one breath at a time is an acceptable plan
She tells herself
And the air is still there
And this morning it's even breathable
And for a second the relief is unbelievable
And she's a heavy sack of flour sifted
Her burden lifted
She's full of clean wind for one lean moment
And then she's trapped again
Reverted
Caged and contorted
With no way to get free
And she's getting plenty of little kisses
But nobody's slippin' her the key

Her whole life is a long list of what ifs
And she doesn't even know where to begin
And the pageantry of suffering therein
Rivals television
Tv is, after all, the modern day roman coliseum
Human devastation as mass entertainment
And now millions sit jeering
Collectively cheering
The bloodthirsty hierarchy of the patriarchal arrangement

She is hailing a cab
She is sailing down the avenue
She's 19 going on 30
Or maybe she's really 30 now ...
It's hard to say
It's hard to keep up with time once it's on its way

And, you know, she never had much of a chance
Born into a family built like an avalanche
And somewhere in the 80s between the oat bran and the ozone
She started to figure out things like why
One eye pointed upwards looking for the holes in the sky
One eye on the little flashing red light
A picasso face twisted and listing down the canvas
Of the end of an endless night

10 9 8 seven six 5 4 three 2 one
And kerplooey
You're done.
You're done for.
You're done for good.
So tell me
Did you?
Did you do
Did you do all you could?

White people are so scared of black people.
They bulldoze out to the country, and put up houses on little loop-d-loop streets.
And while america gets its heart cut right out of its chest
The berlin wall still runs down main street separating east side from west.
And nothing is stirring, not even a mouse, in the boarded up stores and the broken down houses
So they hang colorful banners off all the street lamps
Just to prove they got no manners, no mercy, and no sense.
And i wonder then what it will take for my city to rise.
First we admit our mistakes and then we open our eyes.
The ghost of old buildings are haunting parking lots in the city of good neighbors that history forgot.
I remember the first time i saw someone lying on the cold street
I thought, "i can't just walk past you, this can't just be true."
But i learned by example to just keep moving my feet.
It's amazing the things that we all learn to do.
So we're led by denial like lambs to the slaughter
Serving empires of style and carbonated sugar water and the old farmroad's a four-lane
That leads to the mall and my dreams are all guillotines waiting to fall
And i wonder then what it will take for my country to rise.
First we admit our mistakes and then we open our eyes.
'til nation's last taker succumbs to one last dumb decision
And america the beautiful is just one big subdivision.

You can doubt anything
If you think about it long enough
Cuz what happened always adjusts to fit
What happened after that
And it's hard to feel like you are free
When all you seem to do is referee
Remember when it was just you and me
Steppin' up to bat?

And win or lose
Just that you choose this little war
Is what kills you
And either/or it's that this war
Is maybe also what thrills you


We thought we left possession behind
But truth is i was yours and you were mine
And now i've replayed a thousand times
Exactly what was said
Cuz nothing is as it appears
In the funhouse mirrors of your fears
On the roller coaster of all these years
With your hands above your head

And win or lose
Just that you choose this little war
Is what kills you
And either/or it's that this war
Is maybe also what thrills you

I don't care how fast you run
Just tell me, baby, that when you're done
With your little marathon
You still got cab fare home
Cuz the finish line is a shifty thing
And what is life but reckoning
And, you know
You are still the song i sing
To myself
When i'm alone

And win or lose just that we choose
This little war is what kills us
And either/or it's that this war
Is maybe also what thrills us

(instrumental)

You were so in love
That it was all you could talk about
And i think i felt a little left out
You were on cloud 9 all the time
Ehile i was levelling
I was wringing my hands and you were revelling

But then why shouldn't you?
It was such a beautiful thing to do

Would that i could get me some of your yum yum delirium
I could level off the ground that we stand on
But with you down on bended knee
Always looking up at me
That feeling of standing up together is gone

And though i love you through all time and space
My love always seems to take second place

You were so in love
That it was all you could talk about
And i think i felt a little left out
You were on cloud 9 all the time
While i was levelling
I was wringing my hands and you were revelling

But then why shouldn't you?
It was such a beautiful thing to do

The answer came like a shot in the back
While you were running from your lesson
Which might explain why years later all you could remember was the terror of the question.
Plus, you weren't listening hard
You were stockpiling canned goods and making a bomb shelter of our basement.
And i can't believe you let the moral go by while you were soaking in the product placement.
And where was your conscience?
Where was your consciousness?
And where did you put all those letters that you wrote to yourself but could not address?
Yeah, i'm a good kisser, and you're a fast learner
And that kind of thing could float us for a pretty long time.
And then one day, you'd realized you've memorized my phone number
And you'll call it and find it's a disconnected line.
Cuz i got tossed out the window of love's el camino
And i shattered into a shower of sparks on the curb.
You were smoking me weren't you between your yellow fingers
You just inhaled and exhaled without saying a word.
Where was your conscience?
Where was your consciousness?
And what did you do with all those letters you wrote to yourself but could not address?
There's a smorgasbord of unspoken poisons
The whole childhood of potions that are all bottled up
And so one by one i am dusting off labels
I am uncorking bottles and i am filling up cups.
Go ahead and have a taste of your own medicine.
Here i'll have a taste of mine
But first let's toast to the lists that we hold in our fists of the things
That we promised to do differently next time.
Cuz the answer came like a shot in the back
While you ran from your lesson which might explain
Why years later all you could remember the terror of the question.
Cause i'm not listening to you anymore.
My head is too sore and my heart's perforated
And i am mired in the marrow of my "well ain't that funny?" bone
Learning how to be alone and devastated.
Where was my conscience?
Where was my consciousness?
And where do i put all these letters that i wrote to myself but could not address?

I love us both but i don't feel good
So i keep pulling over
And looking under the hood
I love us both but i'm at wit's end
Where does your compromise begin and mine end?
I love us both but what
World's it gonna be?
The one according to you
Or the one according to me?

I don't feel good so ...
Now do my problems include talks with doctors
Who don't even understand about food?
I think in ancient china they kinda figured out how the body works
But our culture is just a roughneck
Teenage jerk
With a bottle of pills
And a bottle of booze
And a full round of ammunition
And nothing to lose

And is it really the best we can do
To arm wrestle over whose world it's gonna be?
(the one according to you
Or the one according to me)

I love us both and i'll see ya
If you'll see me
So ... who are we?

How sick of me
Must you be
By now
While you're standing just outside
Of what your pride will allow
Always reaching into yourself
To find a new way to understand me
When i'm sure that there's no one else
In the world
Who could withstand me

The first person in your life
To ever really matter
Is saying the last thing
That you want to hear
And you are listening hard
Through the splintering shards
Of your life as it shatters
And you're standing firm
And you're staying close
And you're seeing clear

I took to the stage
With my outrage
In the bad old days
When you were the make-me-mad guy
But the songs
They come out more slowly
Now that i am the bad guy
And i say, i'm sorry i'm so crazy
I am astounded by your patience
And you say, believe it or not, baby
The joy you bring me
Still outweighs it

The first person in your life
To ever really matter
Is saying the last thing
That you want to hear
And you are listening hard
Through the splintering shards
Of your life as it shatters

And you're standing firm
And you're staying close
And you're seeing clear

How sick of me
Must you be
By now?


Acoustic bass ‹ jason
Pianet, organ, singing ‹ julie
Pedal steel ‹ lloyd maines
Singing ‹ mark hallman
Tenor guitar, singing ‹ ani

(instrumental)

She went over to his apartment
Clutching her decision
And he said, did you come here to tell me goodbye?
So she built a skyscraper of procrastination
And then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window
Of her reply
And she felt like an actress
Just reading her lines
When she finally said
Yes. it's really goodbye this time
And far below was the blacktop
And the tiny toy cars
And it all fell so fast
And it all fell so far

And she said:
You are a miracle but that is not all
You are also a stiff drink and i am on call
You are a party and i am a school night
And i'm lookin' for my door key
But you are my porch light

And you'll never know, dear
Just how much i loved you
You'll probably think this was
Just my big excuse
But i stand committed
To a love that came before you
And the fact that i adore you
Is but one of my truths

What of the mother
Whose house is in flames
And both of her children
Are in their beds crying
And she loves them both
With the whole of her heart
But she knows she can only
Carry one at a time?
She's choking on the smoke
Of unthinkable choices
She is haunted by the voices
Of so many desires
She's bent over from the business
Of begging forgiveness
While frantically running around
Putting out fires

But then what kind of scale
Compares the weight of two beauties
The gravity of duties
Or the ground speed of joy?
Tell me what kind of gauge
Can quantify elation?
What kind of equation
Could i possibly employ?
And you'll never know, dear
Just how much i loved you
You probably think this was
Just my big excuse
But i stand committed
To a love that came before you
And the fact that i adore you
Is just one of my truths

So i
I'm goin' home
To please the one i so love pleasing
And i don't expect
He'll have much sympathy for my grieving
But i guess that this is the price
That we pay for the privilege
Of living for even a day
In a world with so many things
Worth believing
In


Clarinet, saxophone ?hans
Trumpet ?shane
Electric and acoustic baritone guitars, singing ?ani

Today we are only whatall is nice about us
Today we turned on in the blue light of dawn
And made love

And you were not a dot dot dot
Waiting for me to complete you
And it was like i just forgot
To measure everything that i do

We woke up with the notion
That enough is not enough without more
And then we pushed with one motion
Like the ocean heaves a wave at the shore

And you were not a dot dot dot
Leaning forward expectantly
And i was not in such a rush
To insure my autonomy

Today we are only whatall is nice about us

It's a heartbreak even situation
Nothing lost and nothing gained
So i'm 10 years old again
Standing in the backyard waving at a train

I feel you make love to me slightly
Every time you let a little laugh slip too soon
And the moment passes over us so lightly
It feels like sand blowing over a dune

You try not to let your emotions show
But it ain't a balloon you can just let go
It's an ice cream cone dripping in the sun
Sticky hands
Sticky arms
Sticky situation

It's a heartbreak even situation
One part powerful elation
One part pitiful and frail
And i'm trying to feel my way around
A book of promises written in braille

There is pressure from within this
And pressure from above
There is pressure on our tenuous, strenuous love
And there's wet wool blankets one, two, three
Laid onto my chest
'til i just can't breathe

And i try not to let my emotions show
But it ain't a balloon i can just let go
It's an ice cream cone dripping in the sun
Sticky hands
Sticky arms
Sticky situation

It's rock paper scissors as to whether i will get over you at all.
It's hand against hand and both hands are mine.
It's standing in a circular line, which is not to say that i'm not also happy.
A happy meal with a surprise inside.
Surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes
Exposing all the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide.
This melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
I never thought i'd see the day
When i would i say i give up and tame the stallions of my wildest expectations.
But i do not want to know you this way, surrounded by so much pain.
But how am i supposed to let go of you this way, like a bird into the sky of my brain?
I think i could accept all these dark colors as just part of some bigger color scheme
If it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness underscoring each smiling scene.
Yeah desire drags me right out of myself like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal.
And i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
While the flames ripple on the sand and swallow me whole.
But this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation.
I never thought i'd see the day
When i would say i give up and break the stallions of my wildest expectations.
But i do not want to know you this way surrounded by so much pain
But how am i supposed to let go of you this way like a bird into the sky of my brain.