Sweet Revenge

Grandpa wore his suit to dinner
Nearly every day
No particular reason
He just dressed that way
Brown necktie and a matching vest
And both his wingtip shoes
He built a closet on our back porch
And put a penny in a burned out fuse.

Chorus:
Grandpa was a carpenter
He built houses stores and banks
Chain smoked camel cigarettes
And hammered nails in planks
He was level on the level
And shaved even every door
And voted for eisenhower
'cause lincoln won the war.

Well, he used to sing me "blood on the saddle"
And rock me on his knee
And let me listen to radio
Before we got t.v.
Well, he'd drive to church on sunday
And take me with him too!
Stained glass in every window
Hearing aids in every pew.

Repeat chorus:

Now my grandma was a teacher
Went to school in bowling green
Traded in a milking cow
For a singer sewing machine
She called her husband "mister"
And walked real tall and pride
And used to buy me comic books
After grandpa died.

Repeat chorus:

It got so hot, last night, i swear
You couldn't hardly breathe
Heat lightning burnt the sky like alcohol
I sat on the porch without my shoes
And i watched the cars roll by
As the headlights raced
To the corner of the kitchen wall.

Chorus:
Mama dear
Your boy is here
Far across the sea
Waiting for
That sacred core
That burns inside of me
And i feel a storm
All wet and warm
Not ten miles away
Approaching
My mexican home.

My god! i cried, it's so hot inside
You could die in the living room
Take the fan from the window
Prop the door back with a broom
The cuckoo clock has died of shock
And the windows feel no pane
The air's as still
As the throttle on a funeral train.

Chorus:

My father died on the porch outside
On an august afternoon
I sipped bourbon and cried
With a friend by the light of the moon
So its hurry! hurry! step right up
It's a matter of life or death
The sun is going down
And the moon is just holding its breath.

Chorus:

Dear abby, dear abby ...
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that i've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, won't you give me a call
Signed bewildered

Bewildered, bewildered...

Chorus:
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear abby, dear abby...
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side i get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive i'd wish i were dead
Signed unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy...

Repeat chorus

Dear abby, dear abby...
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever i kiss
My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed noise-maker

Noise-maker, noise-maker

Repeat chorus

Dear abby, dear abby...
Well i never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed just married

Just married, just married...

Repeat chorus

Woke up this morning
Put on my slippers
Walked in the kitchen and died
And oh what a feeling!
When my soul
Went thru the ceiling
And on up into heaven i did ride
When i got there they did say
John, it happened this way
You slipped upon the floor
And hit your head
And all the angels say
Just before you passed away
These were the very last words
That you said:

Chorus:
Please don't bury me
Down in that cold cold ground
No, i'd druther have "em" cut me up
And pass me all around
Throw my brain in a hurricane
And the blind can have my eyes
And the deaf can take both of my ears
If they don't mind the size
Give my stomach to milwaukee
If they run out of beer
Put my socks in a cedar box
Just get "em" out of here
Venus de milo can have my arms
Look out! i've got your nose
Sell my heart to the junkman
And give my love to rose

Repeat chorus

Give my feet to the footloose
Careless, fancy free
Give my knees to the needy
Don't pull that stuff on me
Hand me down my walking cane
It's a sin to tell a lie
Send my mouth way down south
And kiss my ass goodbye

Repeat chorus

I got kicked off noah's ark
I turn my cheek to unkind remarks
There was two of everything
But one of me
And when the rains came tumbling down
I held my breath and i stood my ground
And i watched that ship go sailing
Out to sea.

Chorus:
Take it back
Take it back
Oh no, you can't say that
All of my friends
Are not dead or in jail
Through rock and stone
The black wind still moans
Sweet revenge
Sweet revenge
Without fail.

I caught an aisle seat on a plane
And drove an english teacher half insane
Making up jokes about bicycle spokes
And red balloons
So i called up my local deejay
And he didn't have a lot to say
But the radio
Has learned all of my favorite tunes.

Chorus:

The white meat is on the run
And the dark meat is far too done
And the milkman left me a note yesterday
Get out of this town by noon
You're coming on way too soon
And besides that
We never liked you any way.

Chorus:

Pretty paper
Pretty ribbons of blue.

(spoken) man oh man,
I just love christmas
It's just so darn neat.
I kinda wish every day was christmas,
Except christmas eve and the fourth of july.
We wouldn't want to miss out on the fireworks, would we?
When i was a kid, we used to get the christmas catalog from montgomery wards in chicago.
Sometimes we'd get it as early as late august.
It was the big book of wishes, hopes and desires.
My three brothers and i were allotted twenty-five bucks a piece, including tax.
So i'd make up a different christmas list every night
From the first of september 'til the twenty-forth of december.
Matter of fact, let me present you with my christmas credentials.
When i was three years old, at least that's what my mother told me,
I ate an entire ornament. i ate a big red one, i thought it was an apple.
They kinda freaked out and was gonna take me to the hospital
But they couldn't stop me from laughing so they just left me alone.
So i guess i still got that christmas in me all the time, you know?

One year, i got a wooden roly-poly for christmas,
You know the things you knock down and they bounce right back up.
They made 'em out of wood back then, that's how old i am.
Nowadays, they make 'em out of plastic.
My mom says "they just don't make 'em like that anymore". and i says, "no ma they don't".

Then there was the year i came home only eave from the army,
From germany to marry my highschool sweetheart on the day after christmas.
My little brother billy, who was twelve at the time,
Had just gotten his first job so he was able to afford to buy some christmas presents
For his brothers and his mom and dad out of his own pocket.
Billy had a job selling subscriptions for the chicago tribune.
He told me this guy named rocky would pick him up in a station wagon,
Him and some other boys, and he'd take 'em out to some strange neighborhood
And drop 'em off and he gave them this whole spiel to give their potential customers.
Supposedly their little brother had won a free trip to our nation's capital washington, d.c.,
But he couldn't go on the trip if his older brother wouldn't accompany him
So if you would please buy a subscription to the chicago tribune then my little brother will be happy.
Wow, what a shyster! some people'll do anything to get to the whitehouse.

Then there was the year that my mom and dad gave me my first guitar.
Ah man it was gorgeous, i still got the thing.
It was a like aqua blue. kinda dark aqua blue with a cream colored heart. was a silvertone from montgomery wards. the model was called kentucky blue and man when i saw that sitting under the tre
Ust couldn't wait.
First year so i didn't know how to play it,
I'd just stand in from of the mirror with a string around my neck with that guitar and i'd try to look like elvis.
Then my brother dave taught me a couple of chords,
Now i'm here in your living room singing and talking to you.
It's funny how things work out.

So-a whyn't you go find a stranger and extend your hand to 'em.
If you see somebody looks like they ain't doin' quite as well as you, slip 'em a buck,
'specially if they don't ask for spare change.
Go buy your honey a cuckoo clock or a musical snow shaking water ball,
That when you wind it up it plays,
"i want you, i need you, i love ya with all my heart."
'cause after all, hell man, it's christmas.

Away in a manger no crib for a bed.
The little lord jesus lay down his sweet head.
The stars in the sky look down where he lay.
The little lord jesus asleep on the (1-2) hay.

(spoken) merry christmas everybody.
(words finally transcribed by fancy nancy)