Can't Slow

Tonight i'll stay awake long enough to stop breathing
And i wonder how long it will take before i pass out drunk off night skies
And lying on hills with wet grass below and blue black above-
I will carry all the weights tonight
'cause i keep remembering the day that you said you might go crazy
If you spent one more minute with me and i just don't know-
Is one more minute going to kill you now?
Stop before i say too much-
So now i've been alone and it's been going but tomorrow might not come
If i don't let it so don't forget the mornings that we spent deep inside out heads
Staring at blank walls 'cause that's what counts
And i don't know but i'm trying to let you go
But i can't cut so well these strings i have around my neck
And i'm trying to let you know that i'm doing this by myself-
So don't forget we sent letters to ourselves without words
And it was just to remember those days that we spent in our heads.

Remember that last friday before we left for mexico?
We kissed and nothing seemed to matter like billie holiday might sing
And it rained and everything was going to be just fine-
It was like music-
And it makes me sad to know i had gotten into something that i could not deal with
And i will sit in my room and sleep all day
And think up dreams like i am the cutest kid in school or i could be crazy and sing about memories-
Hey i remember when i sat on those steps watching the moon
Chase the sky back until the world seemed like it would explode
And i could picture going up with it
It'd be just how i'd like to go and i'd sing.

I called you up to see if maybe we could hang out
And i told you i was nervous and feeling lonely
But i bit my lip and you said yes
And i thought of how beautiful the night would be
And i thought maybe we could drive around talking about your town
Or we could just stay at home and i could win over acting cool just like real romance.

And it's not fair-why do i have to be so?
Oh i feel everything much more-
Much more than you ever will
And it's too hard when i can't even catch your eye
So i can't send you messages
And at night i dream of reasons that i can't let you go
But i don't know if it's time to crack through your walls so thick that i can't see past you
And last summer wasn't enough for me
And now that winter comes the cold beats harder
And no one is left alone and i'm offering you me right now-
Take me i'm yours
And i won't have it any other way
So don't let fools be carried by what i say because the night keeps looking our way
And you're not seeing what i'm missing 'cause i am missing you
And i think that we should run as fast as we can into what we don't know-
It's time to let me in because i feel just fine.

And i grew up
On alcoholic evenings and slow jazz music to keep my heart beating
Because after all that happens in a dissolving family
The need for a song to sing me to sleep still rings true
And i always knew that there wasn't glue strong enough to sew these roots together
And now that i've wasted too many years
And i've lost track of where i started
I have to dream at night of who i was and why after twenty years of marriage
I am what is left and i'd like to go back now
And make myself up because i'd be a brick so i wouldn't feel
And i'd lift myself up and i'd throw myself at this house
To break windows and smash walls
Just to keep time where it was and where it should be.

Ever think we should try to re-establish that connection that we made during last summer's days?
Maybe i should be subtle or maybe i should be more pure
But i think we should talk about what we were going through
And i wonder what it would be like if we had
Kept up that aversion and maybe kept listing
All the people that we hated
But isn't it ironic how you still have ideals and i still have nothing?
And now i'm hoping that you'll change so we can see straight some day.

So i said, "lets forget these days and just try to build some solid ground.
Maybe someday we could stand straight up with our faces in the wind
And scream to the world."
We were at some boating dock oh somewhere at the waterfront staring out across the channel-
A steamer blared its horn
And i wished i could say everything right like do you want to go for a ride?
I looked to your face and saw the sun reflecting off your skin and i breathed in water smells-
The skyline filled with shipping yards and factories had me dreaming of waking up-
Am i dreaming? is this really me? because i've never felt so not lonely
And if this could be real right now
Then everyday for the rest of my life i will search for moments full of you
But let's hope tomorrow won't cave in 'cause i'm looking for someone to change me
And you make me feel so tall- i always want to be this tall
'cause maybe i'll be original
And sometimes things you say just make me think in different ways so this is my way of saying
I could be the one who's dragged home at night away from all my hopeless dreams-
You and me will forge some future because we don't want to be waiting
For something right to go wrong .