Best Of Roger Miller

Overcharge for excess baggage
Know your concourse, know your gate
Up this way sir, not that way sir,
Airplane departs gate six eight
Please sir may l see your ticket
Fasten your seat belt, you can't smoke
Beverage, anything you'd care for
Sorry but we're out of coke

Boeing boeing 707
Going, going skywardly heavenly
Higher than bluebirds fly
Why then oh why can't l

Destination de-plane slowly
Do this, do that, l comply
God bless orville, god bless wilbur
It's the only way to fly

Boeing boeing 707
Going, going skywardly heavenly
Higher than bluebirds fly
Why then oh why can't l

Boeing boeing 707
Going, going skywardly heavenly
Higher than bluebirds fly
Why then oh why can't l

Boeing (repeated to fade)

Colonel maggie is my friend
She got my self respect right back for me
Colonel maggie is my friend
With good old motherly sweet sympathy

Flat down on the street with a bottle at my feet
Gutter life and wine was all i craved
Then she came up to me from the salvation army
She thought that i was good enough to save

Colonel maggie is my friend
She tried to put some pride back into me
Colonel maggie is my friend
With good old motherly sweet sympathy

She helped me to my feet and she got me off the street
I was far too sick to look ashamed
Some soup and hot tea and a blanket over me
And when we talked she called me by my name

Colonel maggie is my friend
She tried to put some pride back into me
Colonel maggie is my friend
With good old motherly sweet sympathy

Well that was years ago, now i don't drink no more
And rest her soul old maggies dead and gone
And when my will-powers weak, i walk back to that street
And colonel maggie seems to walk along

Colonel maggie is my friend
She tried to put some pride back into me
Colonel maggie is my friend
With good old motherly sweet sympathy

Spoken:
He was born one mornin'
It was cold and it was snowin'
And from the start he never had a chance
And though the doctors said he couldn't live
His mama had some faith to give
'n' they brought him to her and his mama named him vance

He was sick a long time then
I used to sit by him
I'd rub his head and he would squeeze my hand
But he never cried, he'd grit his teeth and smile at me
'cause he couldn't speak
And that's when i began to respect the little man
And i think vance was three right about then

He started school and one day
He came home and at the doorway i could tell
The little man didn't want to come inside
He had met a girl but her boyfriend smitty
Had caught him walkin' home with her
And nearly killed vance
But then vance never cried
And the only thing that smitty hurt was pride

And he said

(sung)
"papa do you become a man when you're twenty-one?"
And i said "age doesn't make a man a man, my son"

Spoken:

He looked at me so puzzled with eyes so young and kind
'n' i think vance was seven about that time

<brief instrumental interlude>

I guess they say that first love is the very best
At least it was with vance
'cause he'd scratched "becky" on his desk
But becky went with smitty and vance was very small
And he used to dream what it'd be like to be tall
And then a few years later vance came in one day
And told me and his mama that he had to go away
To be fitted for a uniform
And though his mama shed a tear
He kissed her and said he'd see us in two years
And he looked at me and said "papa, i'm gonna be a man"

<brief instrumental interlude>

Well, two years to the day
Vance came walkin' in the driveway 'n'
I didn't recognize him from his size till he got near
He came in and he hugged his mama
And said "hey, papa, little man, wanna go with me somewhere 'n' grab a beer?"
So we're sittin' at this table when
This fella at the bar started buggin' vance
Callin' him "soldier"
But vance kept his cool
And he said "papa, that guy is smitty and he's to be pitied now"
"cause that's the same guy that used to bully me in school"

Then smitty said the wrong thing
When he brought up becky's name 'n'
Vance finally stood and said "boy, what did you say?"
And it did my heart so much good when vance hit ole smitty
And it took two of smitty's friends to carry him away

Well, vance left the very next mornin' 'n'
It was cold and it was snowin'
And from the first, life hadn't been much fun
But he had finally made a stand 'n'
He'd become a self-made man and
Incidentally, he had just turned twenty-one

The people in this city call me country,
Because of how i walk and talk and smile.
Well i don't mind them laughing in the city,
But the country folks all say i'm citified.

The fighting men they say that i'm a coward.
Because i never push no one around.
Gentle people call me trouble-maker,
Cause i'll always fight and stand my ground.

Funny i don't fit.
Where have all the average people gone?

Some pious people point and call me sinner,
Because to them i've never seen the lights.
Other folks think of me as a preacher.
I'm just doing what i think is right.

The wealthy people think that i am a hobo,
Lean and hungry, writing mournful songs.
And the poor, poor people think i am a rich man,
But really, i'm just trying to get along.

It's funny i don't fit.
Tell me where have all the average people gone?

And the government has given me a number,
To simplify my birth and life and death.
And still my woman thinks i'm awful important,
Like the moon and the sun and the sea and the sky and breath.

Yes, it's funny i don't fit.
Where have all the average people gone?

Honey i don't fit,
Where have all the average people gone?

You conjure up your courage and you finally make the telephone call
You get a busy signal else it rings and no-one answers at all
And then your mind begins imagining things that could or couldn't be so
I know the feelin' that you're feelin' it's a feelin' that i'm feelin'
And i want you to know

I'm gonna teach my heart to bend instead of breakin'
Teach myself to lean and not to fall
Teach my heart to bend instead of breakin'
I've taken all i can take and that's all

I'm gonna teach my heart to bend instead of breakin'
Teach myself to lean and not to fall
Teach my heart to bend instead of breakin'
I've taken all i can take and that's all

I was runnin' through the summer rain tryin' to catch that evenin' train
And kill that old familiar pain weaving through my tangled brain
But when i tipped my bottle back i smacked into a cop i didn't see

That policeman said mr cool if you're ain't drunk then you're a fool
I said well if that's against the law then tell me why i never saw
A man locked in that jail of yours who wasn't just as lowdown poor as me

Well that was when someone turned out the lights
And i wound up in jail to spend the nights
And dream of all the wine and lonely girls in this best of all possible worlds

Well i woke up next morning feelin' like my head was gone
And like my thick old tongue was lickin' somethin' sick and wrong
And i told that man i'd sell my soul if somethin' wet and cold is that old cell
That kindly jailer just grinned at me all eaten up with sympathy
Then he bought himself another beer and came and whispered in my ear
That booze was just a dime a bottle boy you couldn't even buy the smell
I said i knew there was somethin' i liked about this town
But it takes more than that to bring me down down down down
But there's still a lot of wine and lonely girls in this best of all possible worlds

Well they finally came and they told me they was a gonna set me free
And i'd be leavin' town if i knew what was good for me
I said it's nice to learn that everybody's so concerned about my health
I said i won't be leavin' no more quicker than i fastly can
Cause i've enjoyed about this much of this as i can stand
And i don't need this town of yours more than i never needed nothin' else
Ha ha cause there's still a lotta drinks that i ain't drunk
Lots of pretty thoughts that i ain't never thought oh yeah
Lord there's still so many lonely girls in this best of all possible worlds