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1. _ Vincent The Christmas Virus
This year at christmas, everybody's feeling funny
No one's making joyful sounds
Cranberry sauce ain't staying down
The lineups at the bathroom are longer than at the mall
Everybody's meeting vincent
The christmas virus
Vincent the christmas virus
He's the one that'll keep you up all night
He's the festive parasite
Vincent the christmas virus
He's the gift that keeps on giving all night long
Vincent the christmas virus ain't killed by penicillin
Doesn't notice aspirin
Don't matter if you're fit and trim
But vincent's not immune to the effects of alcohol
So get real drunk on christmas day
Let's all toast to vincent (yay!)
*fiddle solo*
*guitar solo*
Vincent the christmas virus
*more fiddle solo*
Vincent the christmas virus
*more guitar solo*
Vincent the christmas virus
*more fiddle solo*
Vincent the christmas virus
*fiddle and guitar solos*
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2. _ The Same Christmas Cake
Christmas makes me realize how greatly things do change
Friends lose touch, people age, and family moves away
But it is what had stayed the same that gives me the most tears
For i've had the same christmas cake for almost thirty years
Granny made it back in sixty-eight and gave it to my mom
Who gave it to her uncle who gave it to her son
Who then gave it to me and that is where it stuck
For i was only three months old and clearly out of luck
Each christmas of my childhood that fruit-brick would return
My mom would place it on a plate and tell me i must learn
That it is rude to get a gift and not put it to use
And every year i'd take a bite and chip another tooth
After fifteen years of misery i'd had all i could take (all i could take)
That summer i went camping and dropped it in the lake (in the lake)
I thought that i was rid of it, but on christmas eve (christmas eve)
There it was "from santa claus" under the christmas tree (christmas tree)
Each year i'd try to lose it but it would just return
So i cried out "oh why have i been given such a burden?"
A voice replied, "it's not a curse, but the greatest gift"
"for when all else abandons you, you will still have it."
For all of man's creations slowly waste away
Relationships do crumble and buildings do decay
The pyramids and stonehenge slowly disappear
But if they were made of christmas cake they'd last a million years
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3. _ Santa Got Arrested
There won't be any presents this christmas
No goodies in your stocking
The milk and cookies that the children left out
Will be left untouched beside the sink
The reindeer will be staying in their pens this year
The elves haven't built any thing
'cause santa got arrested
Last christmas day
Police got calls on 911
About a red-suited man who weighed a ton
There was a clear trail of evidence pointing north
This was the seventh time it happened on december 24th
The mounties reached the north pole
They found it was outside their jurisdiction
They called up interpol, the finnish police
To facilitate the suspect's extradition
They knocked on the door of a well-marked shop
With a warrant for the owner's apprehension
Then santa got arrested
Christmas day
Santa was charged with b&e
His council advised he plead guilty
There was footage of the crime running on tv
And photographs of little children sitting on his knee
The judge expressed concern about the risk of recidivism
His sentence was commuted
He got a bond of nonassociation with the elves
And his reindeer licence was suspended
He says he's giving up all of his former life
And now he wants to be a dental assistant
'cause santa got arrested
Santa got arrested
Santa got arrested
Last christmas day
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4. _ Oh God, I'm Santa Claus
Open my eyes, what a beautiful day
Just the type that makes me want to say hooray
I'm still a little fuzzy-headed from my sleep
Into my brain reality seeps
Look all around me, can't believe what i see
These little short people are surrounding me
I've got a white beard, a suit made of red
My soul becomes filled with a keen sense of dread
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Hop out of bed, kick an elf in the chest
What an awful way to awake from a rest
"santa, oh, santa," the little gnomes cheer
"you shouldn't be nasty at this time of year!"
"what do you mean?" i say in a rage
"and what are you doing with those big burlap bags?"
The elves they do roar, "why their full of toys
For you to deliver to the good girls and boys."
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Resigned to my fate, i load up the sleigh
Harness the reindeer and get under way
It's nippy up here in the cool arctic sky
Good thing i remembered that bottle of rye
Flying over rooftops, throwing out toys
Hopefully crushing those good girls and boys
Like a bad dream, i pray for release
Please let this hellish existence be ceased!
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Oh god, i'm santa claus
Oh god, i'm santa claus
From this nightmare i finally awake
My brain is on fire, my hands they do shake
But wait, they're not hands, they're cute little paws
I'm the easter bunny, i'm not santa claus!
Oh god, i'm the easter bunny
Oh god, i 'm easter bunny
Oh god, i'm easter bunny
Oh god, i'm easter bunny
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5. _ Christmas Sucks
One year i got a dog for christmas
And i gave it to the boy next door
Then i gave him my bike and my mom's bank card
Cuz that's what christmas is for
I used to give a lot at christmas
You might say i gave to much
Until my family was broke and we had no place to live
That's why christmas sucks
I went down to the mall each christmas
Had to the santa what to bring
A train, a bike, a pony and a great big pile of cash
And please don't get my sister anything
But the shopping mall santa has been drinking
His nose is red from years of drinking scotch
He probably won't remember what's on my christmas list
This father christmas sucks
Christmas sucks, christmas sucks
Getting stuff is much for fun
You gotta look out for number one
Christmas sucks
Christmas became worse as years went by
It was the most dreaded time of year
My parents got me clothes that just weren't cool
When all i want is money to buy beer
There was a girl at church who i was sweet on
So in the christmas play i was the ox
I really think she liked me til i stepped on baby jesus
Even for our saviour christmas sucks
Christmas sucks, christmas sucks
Getting stuff is much for fun
You gotta look out for number one
Christmas sucks
Now that i am thirty-eight years old
The only things i get are ties and socks
My kids are never happy with what's under the tree
Soon they'll understand christmas sucks
Whoa, every freakin' year christmas sucks
Christmas sucks
Christmas sucks
Christmas sucks
Hey! hey! hey!
Christmas sucks
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6. _ Christmastime
It's the festive season
There's singing and shopping and joy
Santa's talking to children
The elves are wrapping toys
The season's one of charity
Of peace for all you've met
But though i should be of giving right now
I just want to get
It's christmastime and times are tough
It's christmastime, and we ain't got enough
Hey mr. santa claus
I believe in you because
Last year all my parents got me
Was a trip to mississauga
It's christmastime, i'm looking for a lot of stuff
My brother wants a computer
Sister wants a dolly
Mom wants a brand new bathtub
And dad just wants alcohol, he
Spent last christmas wasted
Crawling along on his knees
Eating turkey that fell on the floor
And watering our christmas tree
It's christmastime and times are tough
It's christmastime, and we ain't got enough
Hey mr. santa claus
I believe in you because
You've got more credibility than
Any doctor, cop, or lawyer
It's christmastime, i'm looking for a lot of stuff
I'd like a new guitar
Andy wants a radar detector
Trevor wants 13 kittens
And chris wants a date with shania
We compared all our christmas lists
And only one thing overlapped
We would all be happiest if
Everyone bought our crap
It's christmastime and times are tough
It's christmastime, and we ain't got enough
Hey mr. santa claus
We believe in you because
If we count on our so-called friends
Our christmas stockings will be empty
It's christmastime, we're looking for a lot of stuff
It's christmastime, we're looking for a lot of stuff
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7. _ Christmas In Ignace
It's christmas in ignace
Mommy's got a rock
She'll give it to daddy
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
It's christmas in ignace
Daddy's got a rock
He'll give it to mommy
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
Oh, it's a jolly time (here in ignace)
As we decorate the christmas rock
It's a happy time
And if the children are good they'll get toys to play with
Like rocks
It's christmas in ignace
Bob's got a rock
But he's gonna keep it
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
It's christmas in ignace
Jill's got a rock
She gives it to bob
Now he's got two
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
Oh, it's a jolly time
As we sit and watch rocky 1,2,3,4,5
It's a happy time
Except for malcolm
His tongue is stuck to the sign that says,
"welcome to ignace"
It's christmas in ignace
And all through the houses
Not a creature is stirring
Except for the rats
That live here in ignace
Under the rocks
That are played with by children
And thrown at malcolm
Who's stuck to the sign that says
"welcome to ignace"
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
It's christmas in ignace (it's christmas in ignace)
Oh, yeah!
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8. _ Dad Threw Up On Christmas Day
Dad threw up on christmas day
He puked right on the serving tray
The stuffing's come right out of daddy dear
Now everybody's christmas vacation
Will be filled with a viral infection
Maybe we'll all be better by next year
We felt more than a breeze
When daddy had to sneeze
It didn't sound a lot like ah-choo
Mom was saying grace
When daddy barked on her face
So mom asked god to bless the vomit too
Dad threw up on christmas day
He got some chunks on uncle ray
Who kept on talking about his pancreas
We'll all remember christmas eve
As the last time we were free of disease
And able to digest some solid food
The stuffing's come right out of daddy dear
Now everybody's christmas vacation
Will be filled with a viral infection
Maybe we'll all be better by next year
Yeah, maybe we'll all be better by next year
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9. _ Christmas Hangover
The holidays are over, you've gained twenty pounds
The cat's choking on tinsel, pine needles stalk the ground
There are no cards in the mailbox, just a stack of bills
Yes, the holidays are over and you are feeling ill
Have a happy christmas hangover
It's the most miserable time of the year
The eggnog's made you fat, the party is over
'cept for your wacky uncle who is still drinking your beer
Turkey's great on christmas but after a whole month
Of turkey pie and stew you start to dread lunch
Breakfast is more frightening for all there is to eat
Is fourteen christmas cakes and a bag of cranberries
Have a happy christmas hangover
It's the most miserable time of the year
Your uncle's in the bathroom and granny's on the sofa
And you start to wish that they'd just disappear
You ate too many liquor-filled chocolates
Got no money left in your pockets
But at least you got lots of
Ugly sweaters and bow ties and socks
You're skin is pale and pasty, your energy is spent
Along with all the money you need to pay the rent
The children are all crying 'cuz they've broken all their toys
Is this misery worth one day of joy?
Have a happy christmas hangover
It's the most miserable time of the year
Your uncle has passed out on granny on the sofa
And you start to wish that you could disappear
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10. _ Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass
Ohhhh...
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'cause you've always been a rotten little brat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna bite your wreath
They're gonna chew your welcome mat
Swallow your kitty cat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna eat your begonias
'cause santa hasn't fed them in a month
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'cause he's sick of shoveling snow and reindeer poo
Elves are coming and they're gonna steal your turkey
Wreck your tv
Burn down your christmas tree
Elves are coming and they're gonna trash your home
'cause they ain't got nothing else to do
Santa's loaded with attitude
He's loud and drunk and smelly and rude
His workshop's been closed by an auditor
And mrs. claus ran off with her chiropractor.
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'cause he's had a really crappy year
Ow, my bum hurts...
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11. _ Christmas Blues
Christmas is here, where did the time go?
Got to load up the reindeer, put on my red suit and go
I use to like christmas, but every year it gets worse
Gettin' gift to six billion people is just too much damn work
Got the christmas blues, man this job is killin' me
And most of these stupid new houses don't even have chimneys
I use to be jolly, now i'm depressed
Had a twinkle in my eye, now i've got a bullet proof vest
Cuz if the pace don't kill me, some gun totin' yahoo will
They keep on shootin' at me like i'm some sort of big fat red criminal
Got the christmas blues, i'm starting to see
That i gotta be some sort of loser to get paid in milk and cookies
Man, i hate kids, especially their letters
Cuz i always give 'em some stuff, man, but they always say they want somethin' better
Well, maybe i'm getting cranky cuz i'm gettin' old
But i just feel like giving all them stupid little brats great big lumps of coal
I got the christmas blues, man, enough's enough
Next year you can find some other sucker to deliver all this stuff
I got the christmas blues, i tell you, i'm gonna quit
Gonna find me a steady job with good benefits
Ho ho ho? i don't think so!
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12. _ Christmas Is Almost Here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Aaahhhggggrrr!
It's just five days till christmas, i haven't done a thing
Don't even have a christmas tree, i am panicking
Most lots are all sold out, i search until the night
I end up with a grubby shrub with a case of blight
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Aaahhhggggrrr!
It's four days till christmas, still have to decorate
Spend hours in the basement until i find the crate
Of lights and bulbs and popcorn strings, tangled in a knot
Then i spend the day separating what i've got
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Aaahhhggggrrr!
It's three days till christmas, i spent all day writing cards
I started writing letters now i just say "best regards"
I shove 'em in a mailbox and to the mall i go
To get gifts for jim and jane and tim and uncle joe (and aunt mavis and aunt beatrice and grandpa and grannie....)
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Aaahhhggggrrr!
Two days till christmas, a million things to do
Clean the house, put on tea, company is due
Where are my relatives, why haven't showed up
I bet they're at the airport i forgot to pick them up
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Aaahhhggggrrr!
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Aaahhhggggrrr!
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Aaahhhggggrrr!
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is almost here
Christmas is here!
It's finally christmas, the kids wake me up at five
I fall downstairs a messy haired zombie, half-alive
Spend all day serving company, then fall down inert
If these are my holidays i'd rather stay at work
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13. _ Things Are Looking Bad For Santa
When christmas rolls around santa's in his shop
Managing his elves and trying to cut costs
His plant is out of date, it needs modernization
He has quite a large debt accumulation
Elves are expensive, they do not come cheap
You would not believe the bills for the heat
Santa stands to lose everything he owns
If he defaults on yet another of his loans
Things are looking bad for santa
He can slip down chimneys but he can't balance accounts
Things are looking bad for santa
If he wrote a cheque it probably would bounce
He hires an accountant to come and advise
The accountant says that he has been unwise
Even if the costs were cut down drastically
It's still hard to make money giving things away for free
Santa claus decides to wipe the slate clean
Lays off half the elves and buys modern machines
Then he auctions off all unnecessary stock
He gets a lot for rudolf from ripley's believe it or not
Things are looking bad for santa
He's made all sorts of changes but it hasn't fixed a thing
Things are looking bad for santa
Misses claus has left him and the elves are picketing
Hey! hey! ho! ho! the big fat pig has got to go!
Hey! hey! ho! ho! the big fat pig has got to go! (he's gotta go!)
Santa's had enough, he locks the elves outside
Butchers all the reindeer and sells off all their hides
Sells his shop to disney and leaves the north pole
To go find cheaper labour down in mexico
Feliz navidad (ho ho ho )
Feliz navidad (ho ho ho )
Feliz navidad, la la la bamba, feliz navidad (another margarita, senorita)
Feliz navidad (have you been a good girl this year?)
Feliz navidad (here's a couple of extra pesos)
Feliz navidad, la la la bamba, feliz navidad
Ho ho ho!
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